How (not) to get your crush to like you

It is time, young grasshopper, for me to reveal to you how to win the game of love and bewitch that special someone you have in mind through my quick and easy conseils d’amour.

NOT!

Instead I’m going to take you through my history of unrequited love, from my preschool days to my high school years, so you can learn exactly what you shouldn’t do when it comes to the game of love.

1998: PRESCHOOL (ARNOLD/THOMAS)

My first tactic in the game of love was simple: avoidance. It started with my very first crush in preschool with a kid named Arnold who had blonde wavy hair and big blue eyes. The minute I started having my childhood crush on him, I stopped talking to him, stopped passing him the play doh and stopped playing tag in the park outside.

In addition, I also had another very useful tactic that I still carry around with me to this day, a tactic I like to call “obtuseness.” This is more of a personality trait than a tactic though, in which I can’t tell if a boy likes me even when he’s putting glue in my food or rubbing grass in my hair (Yes Thomas, I still remember).

2002: SECOND GRADE (JACK/BRAD)

Despite the fact that the avoidance tactic not really working out for me, I decided to give it another try in Kindergarten with a boy named Jack. Jack was the epitome of coolness in Kindergarten. He got to watch the Rocket Power TV show, knew how to roller-skate and had the coolest sneakers in the entire class. Yup, he just oozed coolness. And, of course, because of this, I thought that my best plan of attack would be to pretend that he didn’t exist. This crush continued into second grade and probably would have continued for the whole of elementary school if Jack hadn’t moved, leaving every young girl’s heart broken by the end of winter break.

But then came Brad, the new guy on the block, and with his slightly strange accent, flat face and the swanky city in Oklahoma named after his family,

I couldn’t resist falling in love with him. I tried out my usual tactic (extreme shyness), and even when he was going to move the next year (that’s right, I was in puppy love with him for two years and said nothing. I deserve an award. Or at least a sympathy award for most pathetic cowardly person.), I refrained from telling him the truth as he rode off in his jet blue  bicycle, never to be seen again…

Just kidding. I friended him on Facebook a few years ago and told him about my passionate crush for him in second grade, and he responded by saying “That’s cool. Please don’t talk to me ever again.”

Man, I wish I were kidding about the last part.

2006: SIXTH GRADE (Greg)

This one’s gonna be short and sweet.
Target Name: Greg
Country of Origin: England
Accent: Very sexy
Tactic: Become best friends with target
Result: Set him up with one of my friends, and they went to the school dance together. Then he moved back to England and never talked to me again.

2008: EIGHTH GRADE (Heath)

At this point, I could cross two different tactics off my list, so I decided to attempt something different, something I didn’t think anyone else had ever done before: distraction.  Instead of telling Heath, the cute guy every girl had a crush on, that I liked him even though we sat next to each other in math for a brief but beautiful six weeks and that we were in the same PE Class, I thought I would wow him over with my other skills.

[In P.E. Class. Heath is dribbling the basketball with an amazing amount of dexterity while yours truly pretends to tie her shoelaces for the third time in five minutes. During a brief break in the game…]

Heath: Hey! You got your math test back, right? How’d you do? Because I thought it was a really hard test and I didn’t do so well on it.

Poetrybytheclueless: I got 100%.

Heath: Oh. Well. That’s good!

Poetrybytheclueless: Hey Heath, guess what?

Heath: What?

[Brief awkward pause during which poetrybytheclueless could have easily revealed her hidden feelings for Heath.]

Poetrybytheclueless: I have never cried in public ever in my whole entire life.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my selling point. Was I pretty? Was I nice? Nope. All I had going for me was that I had dry tear ducts.

2011: JUNIOR YEAR (ELIAS)
Next up was something I had always had, but had never tried to unleash. This is unveiled obsession. After not finding anyone I liked for three years, when I did meet this cute guy, Elias, I decided to try some traditional flirting techniques… and did it a little too strong. We went from talking about Star Wars to me inviting him to my house for a movie and dinner by our second conversation.
I even asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance, now completely done with the avoidance tactic, and he even said yes and gave me a hug! But then he proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the dance; apparently he only said yes for the six amazing chocolate cupcakes I made.
2012: SENIOR YEAR (HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED because I’m superstitious and I believe that if I speak about stuff before it happens, it won’t come true.) 
But now, now, I think I’ve struck gold.. and by gold, I mean that fake gold that turns your skin green. Now, when there’s a guy who I might like and who might possibly like me, I start convincing myself that he is gay. It works in the beginning, because I’m able to talk with him without scaring him off by my unveiled obsession or running away in free because of my avoidance tactic. But then, because I start believing that he’s gay, there can never be a true relationship between us, and I reach a dead end. Which is where I am now.

2012: COLLEGE AND BEYOND

Hopefully in the future, I’ll finally just get the courage to tell the guy I like the truth instead of creating these tactics. But until then, I’ll just be forever clueless in the ways of love.

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17 thoughts on “How (not) to get your crush to like you

  1. I’m still in love with a boy I went to high school with, going on 20 years. Never married him, all because I thought the feeling wasn’t mutual, and I thought it would ruin the friendship we had. If you find him, dive in, and never look back. Good luck in the Fall! ❤

    • Thank you, and I’m sorry that you never got a chance to tell him how you feel! Maybe you can do what I did and Facebook him? Although that was incredibly awkward and definitely did not get him interested in me, so actually, don’t listen to me. In fact, don’t listen to me at all when it comes to love advice 🙂

      • Oh he knows I do, darling. And he feels the same. That is all that matters now. Knowing he does keeps me a little more sane. 🙂

  2. We are so similar! I must list!!
    1. we are incurably shy until we get to know someone, or shielded by the lovely Internet
    2. hopelessly romantic
    3. have issues telling the guy we like that…. well, that we like them!
    4. we have a thing for guys with sexy English/Australian/New Zealand accents

    And we will not be alone forever, I JUST KNOW IT!!! 😀

    • Omg, so true! Wow.
      Aaand let me add number 5:

      5. We both are big fat English nerds and are damn proud of it.

      I bet if we met each other, we would be best friends 🙂

      And yes, we will find that special someone and get married and do all of the things that people do in chick flicks! IT WILL HAPPEN!

      • HECK YEAH WE’RE PROUD!!!! I know 😀 I love that! I have a really bad habit of applying classic Disney lines to my non-existent love life! Example:
        “Hey, but someday I’ll wish upon a star and my dreams will come true!”
        or
        “Someday my prince will come…. riding in on horseback and saying I love you in a sexy British accent.”
        Oh yes. Oh yes.

  3. This was such a sweet post! Made me smile 🙂
    I identify with the… lack of verbosity towards the object of affection. I generally suck at talking to people (you can´t just edit stuff like online!), but it´s soo much worse if I want them to like me. Plus, I blush. Terribly. It´s horrible. Mostly took up the gay-approach you mentioned to tune that down. Hahah.
    Good luck with your Mysterious 2012 Crush! And hey, if you want to break the ice, you can always flat-out ask him if he´s gay. And maybe prove it with a date? Has worked before, unbelievably.

    • Haha I’m not sure I have the guts to do that. I mean, I don’t even have the guts to tell him I really like him, so I don’t know if I can just flat out ask him if he’s gay.
      But who knows? Maybe when I’ve gained a certain amount of courage that I don’t have now, I’ll be able to.
      I’m glad my awkward past made you smile! Haha isn’t that the only use of awkward moments?

      • Irony is the shy person’s best friend. Or something like that. (Swear there was a saying somewhere…)
        Perhaps it came out a little wrong 😛 I meant, it must be good to be able to make those awkward moments into fun stories. Mine are just really big blurs of embarrassment. 😛

  4. Hmmm, unveiled obsession sounds better than veiled obsession. I tended to get a little obsessed with one boy for far too long throughout middle and high school. This is particularly problematic if you have a friend egging you on. It also probably comes across a little stalker-ish. But! I got over that er… phase after high school. 😀

    Btw, random tip: if you happen to be fb chatting (or IMing or whatever) with someone, and you want his phone number, tell him you have to go, but that he should text you. The next step is either send him your phone number and wait impatiently for a text or wait until he says, “but I don’t have your number,” then give it to him. You could also try telling him you don’t have his number. This, believe it or not, is how I got my boyfriend’s (of 3.5 years) phone number my freshman year of college.

    • Oh my gosh, that is the best move I have ever heard (although clearly, I don’t know of many). I’ve always wondered how girls can get guys’s numbers so quickly! Thank you, you are so so so so incredibly smart.

      Haha I hope I get over my phase after high school as well 🙂 I’m tired of being the girl who never has a boyfriend. Especially since all of my friends, my mother, and my mother’s friends always ask me if I have a special someone in my life. It gets awkward after a while having to keep on saying no.

    • Okay, super awk here but what if I messaged a guy on Facebook and asked him if he wanted to hang out (this message wasn’t creepy or anything since we are friends and I had something else to tell him as well) but he hasn’t responded even though I messaged him like a week ago and I know he isn’t out of town or anything.
      Should I message him again or just leave it?
      Haha I think you’ve become my love guru 🙂

  5. and that was cute, light and fun; good 🙂 i identify thoroughly with the ‘obtuseness’; i can kick myself for lost chances that i let ‘pass’ by (i keep telling myself) 😀

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it! And isn’t obtuseness the worst? If a guy likes me, the only way I’ll ever know is if he flat out tells me, which only happened once and that did not end well. So… I’m still not sure if there’s a cure to this obtuseness 🙂

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