It is time, young grasshopper, for me to reveal to you how to win the game of love and bewitch that special someone you have in mind through my quick and easy conseils d’amour.
Instead I’m going to take you through my history of unrequited love, from my preschool days to my high school years, so you can learn exactly what you shouldn’t do when it comes to the game of love.
1998: PRESCHOOL (ARNOLD/THOMAS)
My first tactic in the game of love was simple: avoidance. It started with my very first crush in preschool with a kid named Arnold who had blonde wavy hair and big blue eyes. The minute I started having my childhood crush on him, I stopped talking to him, stopped passing him the play doh and stopped playing tag in the park outside.
In addition, I also had another very useful tactic that I still carry around with me to this day, a tactic I like to call “obtuseness.” This is more of a personality trait than a tactic though, in which I can’t tell if a boy likes me even when he’s putting glue in my food or rubbing grass in my hair (Yes Thomas, I still remember).
2002: SECOND GRADE (JACK/BRAD)
Despite the fact that the avoidance tactic not really working out for me, I decided to give it another try in Kindergarten with a boy named Jack. Jack was the epitome of coolness in Kindergarten. He got to watch the Rocket Power TV show, knew how to roller-skate and had the coolest sneakers in the entire class. Yup, he just oozed coolness. And, of course, because of this, I thought that my best plan of attack would be to pretend that he didn’t exist. This crush continued into second grade and probably would have continued for the whole of elementary school if Jack hadn’t moved, leaving every young girl’s heart broken by the end of winter break.
But then came Brad, the new guy on the block, and with his slightly strange accent, flat face and the swanky city in Oklahoma named after his family,
I couldn’t resist falling in love with him. I tried out my usual tactic (extreme shyness), and even when he was going to move the next year (that’s right, I was in puppy love with him for two years and said nothing. I deserve an award. Or at least a sympathy award for most pathetic cowardly person.), I refrained from telling him the truth as he rode off in his jet blue bicycle, never to be seen again…
Just kidding. I friended him on Facebook a few years ago and told him about my passionate crush for him in second grade, and he responded by saying “That’s cool. Please don’t talk to me ever again.”
Man, I wish I were kidding about the last part.
2006: SIXTH GRADE (Greg)
This one’s gonna be short and sweet.
Target Name: Greg
Country of Origin: England
Accent: Very sexy
Tactic: Become best friends with target
Result: Set him up with one of my friends, and they went to the school dance together. Then he moved back to England and never talked to me again.
2008: EIGHTH GRADE (Heath)
At this point, I could cross two different tactics off my list, so I decided to attempt something different, something I didn’t think anyone else had ever done before: distraction. Instead of telling Heath, the cute guy every girl had a crush on, that I liked him even though we sat next to each other in math for a brief but beautiful six weeks and that we were in the same PE Class, I thought I would wow him over with my other skills.
[In P.E. Class. Heath is dribbling the basketball with an amazing amount of dexterity while yours truly pretends to tie her shoelaces for the third time in five minutes. During a brief break in the game…]
Heath: Hey! You got your math test back, right? How’d you do? Because I thought it was a really hard test and I didn’t do so well on it.
Poetrybytheclueless: I got 100%.
Heath: Oh. Well. That’s good!
Poetrybytheclueless: Hey Heath, guess what?
[Brief awkward pause during which poetrybytheclueless could have easily revealed her hidden feelings for Heath.]
Poetrybytheclueless: I have never cried in public ever in my whole entire life.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my selling point. Was I pretty? Was I nice? Nope. All I had going for me was that I had dry tear ducts.
2012: COLLEGE AND BEYOND
Hopefully in the future, I’ll finally just get the courage to tell the guy I like the truth instead of creating these tactics. But until then, I’ll just be forever clueless in the ways of love.