by Rachael Yamagata

I’m not sure if this song is helping me or making me more sad. Either way, I can’t stop listening because it’s so beautiful.


Lie to me.

Lie to me depraved heart.
Whisper nonsense of faded faces,
bring back warmth
to a world now tasteless.

Stop the blood from coursing
through my veins.
Pump backwards!
Please, lead me back there again

to a time before I learned
those aged lessons for mine eyes.
How to break.
How to cry.

If you have to lie,
I don’t mind, my love.
I’ll hide in your smile—
forever  live in those lines.

Sooner-than-later Proclamations

As you may know from my Firsts and Lasts posts, I am quite possibly head-over-heels in love with one of the guys on my hall. We’re close, but I’m fairly certain that he has no idea about how I feel. So, after three months of anguish, heart-wrenching emotional roller coasters and just some god awful days, I’m going to end this cycle of misery and flat out tell him. Tomorrow. At 2.

I’m just a little scared.

Which is why I decided to write out what I wanted to say so that I would at least have an idea and not completely freak out when it comes time to tell him. Tomorrow. At 2. And what better way to write out my proclamation of love than on my blog, so that the whole internet can read it?

That’s right, there are a million other ways. Yet, I think it’s only fair, considering how little I’ve been posting recently. So… here goes.

Hey B—, could we talk? I have something important to tell you, and I just need to get it off my chest.

He says yes, or at least, I hope he will.

Before I start though, I want you to promise one thing—to the best of your ability you will not treat me any differently after hearing what I have to say, and we will still stay friends. I get that it might be awkward for a little bit, but honestly, my friendship with you matters way more than anything else.

I can just see his eyes widen and his smile drop a little bit at this. What a cutie pie. But he’ll say yes and encourage me to keep talking in that adorable accent of his.

Okay. Here goes. I think that I’ve started to develop feelings for you.

He’ll try to interrupt with some exclamation: “What?” “Oh.” “Really?” “Shit.” “Huh.” (take your pick. Though most likely, he’ll say something in a foreign language). But I’ll steam-roller through to make my next point.

Honestly, I know that you don’t feel the same way. I know that you don’t reciprocate my feelings, and that’s totally fine with me. I just really need to get this off my chest because it’s sort of been driving me crazy for a while, and I feel like the only way I can stop feeling like this is by telling you. I don’t expect anything from you; I just want you to know how I feel. I really hope that our friendship doesn’t change because of this, but if you need some time away from me, I totally understand that.

At this point, I’m not sure what he’ll say. Maybe he’ll be shocked into silence, or he might try to say something comforting, but really it will make me feel worse. Maybe he’ll ask me how I actually feel, when I knew that I felt this way? But I do know for certain that he will tell me that he doesn’t feel the same way about me, but that I’m a great girl; I’m funny, lovable, and cute, but he just doesn’t feel the same way. It might take him a while to say this, but he is a gentleman, and I know (or at least I hope) that he’ll understand that this is taking a lot of courage on my part to tell him this, and that I will not be able to deal with a flat out “no.”

But then again, so what if he just tells me “no,” and we end our walk in an awkward silence? I’ll just have one more story to tell my friends back home, and one less thing to regret later on in my life. As long as we can stay friends, I think that I’ll be fine.

So that’s my sooner rather than later proclamation of love. Wish me luck. I’m going to need it.