He Loves Me, He….

Haven’t posted in a while, but then again, haven’t been sane in a while too.

And yes, that does make me sound like an immature, crazy teenager, but actually, right now, I feel like the most sane and mature I’ve ever been.

Let me backtrack for you.

Today, I told him that I had feelings for him—feelings that were more than the feelings of friendship. And today was also the day I found out that even though a person can have the most intense feelings imaginable for someone, these feelings do not have to be reciprocated. Yes, today I found out that he does not and never has felt  the same way about me.

And though he told me sweetly and clearly that he only saw us as friends, I still felt like my heart was melting—dripping down and cascading into the crevices of the dirty sidewalk until I could no longer find it.

It hurt, I’m not going to lie. It still does whenever I think of him or people talk about him. But there’s a silver lining to every cloud, as I’ve found out through this experience.

First, I have discovered that getting your heart broken does not mean the earth comes to a standstill. I know, this is radical information coming your way, but it was somewhat comforting knowing that I didn’t die after getting my heart broken, that my world didn’t crumble and that I was physically okay. Second, I realized that my life does not have to revolve around a boy. Again, shocking news for everyone out there, but today was the first day in a long time that I didn’t walk back to my college dorm thinking “I really need to see him. Please let me just see him once.” It was actually pretty liberating.

But the biggest silver lining is that, after this, I feel as if I can do anything. I feel grown-up in a way that I’ve never felt before, in that I conquered my fears of telling him. I feel as if I know myself more fully now, like I’ve just met a different side of myself, a confident, stable, brave self, that I didn’t know I possessed.

I am proud of myself for telling him. I am proud of myself for staying strong after hearing the very news that I was dreading. And I am also incredibly thankful for my friends here at college who supported me and made me feel as if I wasn’t crazy, but courageous.

Hopefully, I’ll come back from Spring Break and not want to huddle up in a ball and lock myself in my room every time I see him (and I will be seeing him a lot since we live on the same hall). I think that’s a doable goal to have. And I think I might be able to stay friends with him, and maybe now I’ll be able to meet a guy who does want to pursue a romantic relationship with me. Who knows. All I know now is that everything happens for a reason and maybe, just maybe, this will all work out for the best.

I’d like to end my mini-ramble by asking everyone to follow in the footsteps of Gloria Steinem and, tomorrow, do one outrageous act and everyday rebellion. I suppose this was my outrageous, rebellious act—what will yours be?

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Lie to me.

Lie to me depraved heart.
Whisper nonsense of faded faces,
bring back warmth
to a world now tasteless.

Stop the blood from coursing
through my veins.
Pump backwards!
Please, lead me back there again

to a time before I learned
those aged lessons for mine eyes.
How to break.
How to cry.

If you have to lie,
I don’t mind, my love.
I’ll hide in your smile—
forever  live in those lines.

Sooner-than-later Proclamations

As you may know from my Firsts and Lasts posts, I am quite possibly head-over-heels in love with one of the guys on my hall. We’re close, but I’m fairly certain that he has no idea about how I feel. So, after three months of anguish, heart-wrenching emotional roller coasters and just some god awful days, I’m going to end this cycle of misery and flat out tell him. Tomorrow. At 2.

I’m just a little scared.

Which is why I decided to write out what I wanted to say so that I would at least have an idea and not completely freak out when it comes time to tell him. Tomorrow. At 2. And what better way to write out my proclamation of love than on my blog, so that the whole internet can read it?

That’s right, there are a million other ways. Yet, I think it’s only fair, considering how little I’ve been posting recently. So… here goes.

Hey B—, could we talk? I have something important to tell you, and I just need to get it off my chest.

He says yes, or at least, I hope he will.

Before I start though, I want you to promise one thing—to the best of your ability you will not treat me any differently after hearing what I have to say, and we will still stay friends. I get that it might be awkward for a little bit, but honestly, my friendship with you matters way more than anything else.

I can just see his eyes widen and his smile drop a little bit at this. What a cutie pie. But he’ll say yes and encourage me to keep talking in that adorable accent of his.

Okay. Here goes. I think that I’ve started to develop feelings for you.

He’ll try to interrupt with some exclamation: “What?” “Oh.” “Really?” “Shit.” “Huh.” (take your pick. Though most likely, he’ll say something in a foreign language). But I’ll steam-roller through to make my next point.

Honestly, I know that you don’t feel the same way. I know that you don’t reciprocate my feelings, and that’s totally fine with me. I just really need to get this off my chest because it’s sort of been driving me crazy for a while, and I feel like the only way I can stop feeling like this is by telling you. I don’t expect anything from you; I just want you to know how I feel. I really hope that our friendship doesn’t change because of this, but if you need some time away from me, I totally understand that.

At this point, I’m not sure what he’ll say. Maybe he’ll be shocked into silence, or he might try to say something comforting, but really it will make me feel worse. Maybe he’ll ask me how I actually feel, when I knew that I felt this way? But I do know for certain that he will tell me that he doesn’t feel the same way about me, but that I’m a great girl; I’m funny, lovable, and cute, but he just doesn’t feel the same way. It might take him a while to say this, but he is a gentleman, and I know (or at least I hope) that he’ll understand that this is taking a lot of courage on my part to tell him this, and that I will not be able to deal with a flat out “no.”

But then again, so what if he just tells me “no,” and we end our walk in an awkward silence? I’ll just have one more story to tell my friends back home, and one less thing to regret later on in my life. As long as we can stay friends, I think that I’ll be fine.

So that’s my sooner rather than later proclamation of love. Wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

Firsts and Lasts

First, I want to apologize for not posting anything at all during my first semester as a college freshmen. It was such a whirlwind of activities, classes and people that I barely had time to free read, let alone write any poetry. But now that first semester, I’m going to try second semester a little differently, with more “me” time, and less “IT’S THE START OF COLLEGE” freak out time. This involves spending time writing poetry, reading more and spending more time with people, rather than living my life based on test schedules and grades, which will hopefully mean more posts on this site. Before this, however, I feel it necessary to fill you all in on the many firsts of my first semester of college:

  1.  First time apart from my family for longer than two weeks.
  2. First time I met a celebrity, and that too, Gloria Steinem of all people. Let me tell you, she’s amazing. After meeting her, I find myself saying “WWGD” when I’m faced with a problem that seems impossible. She’s my new idol.
  3. First time I stayed up later than 4am because of homework
  4. First time I had honest talks about sexuality, women issues and gender dynamics with people of my own age group.
  5. First time I had: beer, tequila, vodka, bourbon, rum and whiskey (I feel like I have to point out that the consumption of the alcohol was spread out over the course of five months. I did not have all 6 beverages in one night. I’m not crazy). Turns out I’m not a fan of beer, but I am a big fan of hard liquor, a fact that my mother isn’t pleased with.
  6. First time I became really good friends with people of the other gender
  7. First time I kissed a boy
  8. First (and last) time I kissed a girl
  9. First time I went to a party that didn’t involve sleepovers, cooking or watching movies
  10. First time I felt like I completely fit in with a group of people and that I could finally be myself, that I wasn’t just a peripheral member of the friend group.
  11. First time (and this one’s a whopper) I fell in love. Though I’m still not sure if what I feel is love or not; I just know that I miss him so much all of the time, and that whenever I’m feeling down, all I have to do is think about him, and I instantaneously feel better. But I’ll post something on that topic another day, because I could fill a thousand books about how I feel about him, and why he is the sweetest, cutest, best person in the whole entire world.

And here are some lasts:

  1. Last time I ever have to take another math class again
  2. Last time I decide to drink when I feel emotionally down (that was a bad mistake on my part, and it resulted in one of the worst nights of my life)
  3. Last time I care what people think about me or say, because I know that I have so many people who love me just the way I am.
  4. Last time I spend Thanksgiving without my family. I visited my friend’s family, and even though she was very sweet, Thanksgiving isn’t the same without my family’s traditions and my family members themselves
  5. Aaaand… last time I forget about this blog for six months at a time. I am certainly going to try posting at least weekly in college. The only reason why it’s so hard, other than the school and social reasons, is that I want this blog to remain anonymous, which is hard to do when people are walking through my hall as well as in and out of my room 24/7. For instance, I definitely would not be able to talk about the boy I mentioned in 12) if I knew my hall mates were going to read this.

Happy holidays everyone! I look forward to catching up with all of you and getting back to this little section of the internet that I can call my own.

Love Calls Us to the Things of This World

By Richard Wilbur

The eyes open to a cry of pulleys,
And spirited from sleep, the astounded soul
Hangs for a moment bodiless and simple
As false dawn.
Outside the open window
The morning air is all awash with angels.

Some are in bed-sheets, some are in blouses,
Some are in smocks: but truly there they are.
Now they are rising together in calm swells
Of halcyon feeling, filling whatever they wear
With the deep joy of their impersonal breathing;

Now they are flying in place, conveying
The terrible speed of their omnipresence, moving
And staying like white water; and now of a sudden
They swoon down into so rapt a quiet
That nobody seems to be there.
The soul shrinks

From all that is about to remember,
From the punctual rape of every blessed day,
And cries,
“Oh, let there be nothing on earth but laundry,
Nothing but rosy hands in the rising steam
And clear dances done in the sight of heaven.”

Yet, as the sun acknowledges
With a warm look the world’s hunks and colors,
The soul descends once more in bitter love
To accept the waking body, saying now
In a changed voice as the man yawns and rises,

“Bring them down from their ruddy gallows;
Let there be clean linen for the backs of thieves;
Let lovers go fresh and sweet to be undone,
And the heaviest nuns walk in a pure floating
Of dark habits,
keeping their difficult balance.”

How (not) to get your crush to like you

It is time, young grasshopper, for me to reveal to you how to win the game of love and bewitch that special someone you have in mind through my quick and easy conseils d’amour.

NOT!

Instead I’m going to take you through my history of unrequited love, from my preschool days to my high school years, so you can learn exactly what you shouldn’t do when it comes to the game of love.

1998: PRESCHOOL (ARNOLD/THOMAS)

My first tactic in the game of love was simple: avoidance. It started with my very first crush in preschool with a kid named Arnold who had blonde wavy hair and big blue eyes. The minute I started having my childhood crush on him, I stopped talking to him, stopped passing him the play doh and stopped playing tag in the park outside.

In addition, I also had another very useful tactic that I still carry around with me to this day, a tactic I like to call “obtuseness.” This is more of a personality trait than a tactic though, in which I can’t tell if a boy likes me even when he’s putting glue in my food or rubbing grass in my hair (Yes Thomas, I still remember).

2002: SECOND GRADE (JACK/BRAD)

Despite the fact that the avoidance tactic not really working out for me, I decided to give it another try in Kindergarten with a boy named Jack. Jack was the epitome of coolness in Kindergarten. He got to watch the Rocket Power TV show, knew how to roller-skate and had the coolest sneakers in the entire class. Yup, he just oozed coolness. And, of course, because of this, I thought that my best plan of attack would be to pretend that he didn’t exist. This crush continued into second grade and probably would have continued for the whole of elementary school if Jack hadn’t moved, leaving every young girl’s heart broken by the end of winter break.

But then came Brad, the new guy on the block, and with his slightly strange accent, flat face and the swanky city in Oklahoma named after his family,

I couldn’t resist falling in love with him. I tried out my usual tactic (extreme shyness), and even when he was going to move the next year (that’s right, I was in puppy love with him for two years and said nothing. I deserve an award. Or at least a sympathy award for most pathetic cowardly person.), I refrained from telling him the truth as he rode off in his jet blue  bicycle, never to be seen again…

Just kidding. I friended him on Facebook a few years ago and told him about my passionate crush for him in second grade, and he responded by saying “That’s cool. Please don’t talk to me ever again.”

Man, I wish I were kidding about the last part.

2006: SIXTH GRADE (Greg)

This one’s gonna be short and sweet.
Target Name: Greg
Country of Origin: England
Accent: Very sexy
Tactic: Become best friends with target
Result: Set him up with one of my friends, and they went to the school dance together. Then he moved back to England and never talked to me again.

2008: EIGHTH GRADE (Heath)

At this point, I could cross two different tactics off my list, so I decided to attempt something different, something I didn’t think anyone else had ever done before: distraction.  Instead of telling Heath, the cute guy every girl had a crush on, that I liked him even though we sat next to each other in math for a brief but beautiful six weeks and that we were in the same PE Class, I thought I would wow him over with my other skills.

[In P.E. Class. Heath is dribbling the basketball with an amazing amount of dexterity while yours truly pretends to tie her shoelaces for the third time in five minutes. During a brief break in the game…]

Heath: Hey! You got your math test back, right? How’d you do? Because I thought it was a really hard test and I didn’t do so well on it.

Poetrybytheclueless: I got 100%.

Heath: Oh. Well. That’s good!

Poetrybytheclueless: Hey Heath, guess what?

Heath: What?

[Brief awkward pause during which poetrybytheclueless could have easily revealed her hidden feelings for Heath.]

Poetrybytheclueless: I have never cried in public ever in my whole entire life.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my selling point. Was I pretty? Was I nice? Nope. All I had going for me was that I had dry tear ducts.

2011: JUNIOR YEAR (ELIAS)
Next up was something I had always had, but had never tried to unleash. This is unveiled obsession. After not finding anyone I liked for three years, when I did meet this cute guy, Elias, I decided to try some traditional flirting techniques… and did it a little too strong. We went from talking about Star Wars to me inviting him to my house for a movie and dinner by our second conversation.
I even asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance, now completely done with the avoidance tactic, and he even said yes and gave me a hug! But then he proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the dance; apparently he only said yes for the six amazing chocolate cupcakes I made.
2012: SENIOR YEAR (HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED because I’m superstitious and I believe that if I speak about stuff before it happens, it won’t come true.) 
But now, now, I think I’ve struck gold.. and by gold, I mean that fake gold that turns your skin green. Now, when there’s a guy who I might like and who might possibly like me, I start convincing myself that he is gay. It works in the beginning, because I’m able to talk with him without scaring him off by my unveiled obsession or running away in free because of my avoidance tactic. But then, because I start believing that he’s gay, there can never be a true relationship between us, and I reach a dead end. Which is where I am now.

2012: COLLEGE AND BEYOND

Hopefully in the future, I’ll finally just get the courage to tell the guy I like the truth instead of creating these tactics. But until then, I’ll just be forever clueless in the ways of love.