He Loves Me, He….

Haven’t posted in a while, but then again, haven’t been sane in a while too.

And yes, that does make me sound like an immature, crazy teenager, but actually, right now, I feel like the most sane and mature I’ve ever been.

Let me backtrack for you.

Today, I told him that I had feelings for him—feelings that were more than the feelings of friendship. And today was also the day I found out that even though a person can have the most intense feelings imaginable for someone, these feelings do not have to be reciprocated. Yes, today I found out that he does not and never has felt  the same way about me.

And though he told me sweetly and clearly that he only saw us as friends, I still felt like my heart was melting—dripping down and cascading into the crevices of the dirty sidewalk until I could no longer find it.

It hurt, I’m not going to lie. It still does whenever I think of him or people talk about him. But there’s a silver lining to every cloud, as I’ve found out through this experience.

First, I have discovered that getting your heart broken does not mean the earth comes to a standstill. I know, this is radical information coming your way, but it was somewhat comforting knowing that I didn’t die after getting my heart broken, that my world didn’t crumble and that I was physically okay. Second, I realized that my life does not have to revolve around a boy. Again, shocking news for everyone out there, but today was the first day in a long time that I didn’t walk back to my college dorm thinking “I really need to see him. Please let me just see him once.” It was actually pretty liberating.

But the biggest silver lining is that, after this, I feel as if I can do anything. I feel grown-up in a way that I’ve never felt before, in that I conquered my fears of telling him. I feel as if I know myself more fully now, like I’ve just met a different side of myself, a confident, stable, brave self, that I didn’t know I possessed.

I am proud of myself for telling him. I am proud of myself for staying strong after hearing the very news that I was dreading. And I am also incredibly thankful for my friends here at college who supported me and made me feel as if I wasn’t crazy, but courageous.

Hopefully, I’ll come back from Spring Break and not want to huddle up in a ball and lock myself in my room every time I see him (and I will be seeing him a lot since we live on the same hall). I think that’s a doable goal to have. And I think I might be able to stay friends with him, and maybe now I’ll be able to meet a guy who does want to pursue a romantic relationship with me. Who knows. All I know now is that everything happens for a reason and maybe, just maybe, this will all work out for the best.

I’d like to end my mini-ramble by asking everyone to follow in the footsteps of Gloria Steinem and, tomorrow, do one outrageous act and everyday rebellion. I suppose this was my outrageous, rebellious act—what will yours be?

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